Jonathon was the one who opened my eyes to this paradigm of thought.
Yes, some people have been through a lot of crap that they didn't deserve, and Jon and I both had been dealt more than our fair share of injustices, but I was stricken by the difference in the way would react to that injustice. Bridget, too, described her "live and let live" attitude, and I knew there had to be more to it, but I had no idea where to direct my focus to find the answers... so I looked inside to ask myself where truth lies, and what makes me happy/unhappy, individually, as if there were no other people on this planet, while it was a necessity. I realized that if something truly were to affect me in one way, its deficiency would affect me in the other. Peace, above all, is what I deduced I was searching for, but it occured to me that for so long I've been trying to carpet the world, and if I were to achieve a lasting happiness and acceptance that I would proceed to project onto my perception of the rest of the world, I needed to come to terms with reality.
My whole life I had considered the odds against my favor, that I was the underdog, and this world desperately needed saving... that there was something virtually impossible that needed to be done, and I needed to be the one to accomplish it, because I was the only one who knew why and how... and that my needs weren't just my own. This was denail, because I was taught as I grew up that to tend to your own needs while disregarding others' was something that would reflect that you were "bad",therefore worthy of punishment; worthy of pain and suffering, and I must have made the connection at a young age that if I was in pain, there had to have been a factor that I could control... That because I did something wrong, even unintentionally, I had caused it... In my mind, that would mean that if I was suffering, it was because I was bad, and oh was it easy to find a reason to fit into that framework. We make sense where there is none, and that is the greatest strength and flaw of humanity, it appears. It makes sense after experiencing years of conditioning by my parents that I would learn to blame myself for the events in my life blame could not be singularly attributed to... I focused my rationalizing externally and did not acknowledge when I was not applying my logic to my judgement of myself, and that would mentally seperate me from other people, though I'm not sure if this had inflated or deflated my ego. Probably the former. By neglecting my needs, I was causing my own pain, but temporarily restoring my peace of mind, perpetuating a vicious cycle of pain that could only be fixed by stepping outside of my algorhythm and fine-tuning it after discarding the faulty connections. That's what I need to do now. I need to accept I do what I do, and I enjoy doing what I do, because I choose to and not for some truly transcendental purpose. Yes, in a way it does transcend me, because I'm helping other people, but I can only be as selfish as I am selfless in that sense, because there is no way to know that diminishing pain and resolving conflicts will ultimately be what benefits the spirit. I want to be objective, but my soul is still flavored with bias, and that is my humanity... That's the way it has to be for me to understand anything. Yes, there is in a way a right answer about what people should do in their lives, but that is doing what they must to satiate their needs and find their peace, even if that doesn't equate to happiness.
For the people who only see one way to do so, and hurt others in the process, there are people like me who will step in to show them that is the case, addressing our own need in the process. We can never wipe out ignorance, we can never wipe out hate or apathy, we can never wipe out error, and while this may be a defining aspect of our humanity, to claim this justifies wiping out the whole human race... for me, it would only cause pain, and the only way to truly do away with evil is to accept that it never existed. Other people may walk that path, but I will be there to counter them. We will both permit each other, one being necessary to fulfill the need of the other, both containing the same destiny, serving as a reflection of perfect symmetry. Everything in this world is necessary, and time isn't real. Reality is, in fact, unstable... I know this... difference is an illusion... and that illusion is permitted... I've observed my perspective spinning through time and space, each destination marking a new beginning, while simultaneous experiencing no true motion. This is because time, space, and difference are all the same. If we all consist of the same foundation, there can be no true difference. But what purpose would word serve? Do I want to teach, or do I want to understand? Do I want to understand, or do I want to find peace? Ultimately there can be one priority, and then it would be best if there were no priority. Every answer already lies inside. I will accept that it is my choice to understand without the need to be understood, and that to understand is to accept, and to accept is to actualize that peace that I constantly deny myself.
"Because we invite the peace and tranquility from afar,
It looks like we will have to travel a bit further" -
"Kimi Ga Ita Monogatari" - See-Saw
"How come I must know
Where obsession needs to go?
How come I must know
The direction of relieving?"
"Obsession" - Yuki Kajiura
"If you are going to cope with fate, you can't go on saying you are sad or lonely."
- Unknown
These lyrics by Yuki Kajiura resonate, as do these lyrics by Misia:
"Just like a little bird that has forgotten, lost how to fly,
maybe someday, I’ll be able to find that something.
By the time I came to notice, I was already living there;
The near-pain happiness, – I’m sure that must be – how it is."
"A Little Bird Who Forgot How To Fly"- Misia
The day I accept the lack is a lie... why am I scared? It's the seeking of external validation and my perceived need of it that I fear I can't be without. Must need exist? Must I acknowledge it? Why do I fear pain? Why do I fear death?
And isn't that the greater truth to what I'm seeking? External validation because of my insecurities? It was the cause of much of my trouble... but I shouldn't compare one moment to the next if they're really all the same...
"Its meaning had been in the eyes of beholder all along.
It had grown dark before I found a sign.
'Among the nonsense tragedies, what on earth you are looking for?
You only have to be honest to yourself and your own fate.'
Tell me why, or why not. Complaining way too much,
maybe I overlooked something fatal for me.
There is nobody who knows there will be nobody.
Except for me, all the world has gone mad.
So what is forgiveness you are willing to withhold?
What is the well-being you are willing to make?
Now what? So what? Don’t you come interrupt me, oh please,
while I am interrupting myself."
"Why, or Why Not?" - from the anime Higurashi No Koro Ni
Of course if I keep questioning, I'll never find answers. I keep doubting and challenging my understandings faithlessly, tearing them apart to reach the same conclusion over and over, fearing I'm wrong, fearing what being wrong could mean, always searching for something I already have, but I deny myself. Why do I deny it? What is there to lose in accepting it? The ego. Myself. Everything of the value I understood. But there's so much more to gain... AH, but that's setting a goal, too.
It's rationalizing sensation. It's calling it emotion. Calling it mood, giving it a label, convincing myself I should be able to control it, and that it's wrong if the present doesn't meet x, y, and z specifications. Just like my obsession with typology...
